I am a person who tries my best to control my emotions as much as I could. I am good at denying my true feelings and ignoring the pain that accompanies any heartbreaking experience. I can sometimes fool other people and show them I am okay despite carrying the entire emotional trauma from my past. I can easily convince everyone that I am happy and full of energy. And since I can smile confidently almost anywhere and anytime I want, some people can’t tell that I carry a burden that I do not want to talk about.
I thought these qualities are what make me special. I thought that I am more than okay compared to anybody else because I can hide my true feelings and thoughts. But my situation is more common than I imagined. These habits I constantly practice negatively mean so much as they turn into warning signs of mental health issues. I never genuinely thought that I am suffering in silence because I am convinced that what I do is supposed to make me feel emotionally and mentally better. But then, my loved ones start to point out that they noticed something in me, and here is a couple of them.
I love spending time with family and friends. I have this positive energy that I wanted to share with them. So as much as possible, I take time to invest and explore new experiences. But it is not all the time that I am full of excitement. I mean, when people around me say that they find it weird that I don’t show interest in things I once enjoyed, I don’t usually pay attention to that comment. Instead, I keep on making them believe that not engaging in the things I previously like is not something that just comes out of the blue.
But when I think about it, those things I find enjoyable can only turn into uninteresting things when I am emotionally triggered. It can happen when I get disappointed, offended, and maybe heard a piece of bad news. When these triggers manifest, it brings this dreadful feeling that somehow affects my outlook in life, including interacting with other people. Perhaps that is how my loved ones managed to see it.
There is nothing I can explain when it comes to the sudden changes in my mood. I believe that my reactions are normal since there are different types of emotions I experienced every day. I am not aware of how I act in response sometimes to things. But then friends, colleagues, and family point out that I angrily burst out when I am stressed and anxious. I tell them there is nothing wrong, and I am just trying to be as transparent as I am to lie about it. But they seem to know that those mood swings are signs of a mental health problem.
I can sometimes be irrational, and that is because I am mentally ill. However, I don’t hurt people, for the record. And I don’t hurt myself either. I am just confused why people can still see and look through me despite being good at pretending.
Unmindful To Personal Needs
It matters to me, but when people say that I do not practice self-care, I am a bit confused. It is not like I disregard taking care of myself all time, though. But I somehow felt that I am entitled to excuse myself from doing the usual routines I sometimes get fed up with. For me, it doesn’t entirely matter if I suddenly lose some weight or look tired and different because I know I can get by. People around me might not believe it, but I can take care of my physical health the way I can.
But as people close to me pay more attention to the kind of environment I am with, they insist that something is genuinely wrong. They say that the way I handle things in a disorganized manner reflects how my mind works. And since they often see me way too messy and a bit unmindful with my personal needs, they believe that I am not okay. And honestly, they are right about it.
As much as possible, I do not want to think that I need help. That is the reason why I want to stay happy all the time. I don’t want the people around me to worry about my mental and emotional health because I don’t want them to feel sorry about me. But the truth is, I am hopeless and in despair. I am battling depression and anxiety, and all I can do to protect the people I love is to lie to them about my mental health. But, unfortunately, they know me better than they can easily identify my weakest points.